We all display acts of passive aggressive behavior at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes it's an easier way to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Having an embedded passive aggressive personality,[1] however, can adversely impact all aspects of your life and your relationships with others.[2] Often this type of subversive behavior can go unnoticed for some time by yourself and those around you because it can be masked by superficial courtesies that don’t reveal your underlying frustrations and/or anger until events reach a volatile stage. By taking charge of your own behavior, to understand and reform your passive aggressive tendencies, you will be able to make positive strides towards developing and nurturing a healthier, happier career and social life.
Steps
. . 1 . Recognizing Your Passive Aggressive Behavior. This is a really significant step because instead of feeling and acting like a victim, you are taking responsibility and trying to be honest with yourself. The chronic nature of this trait means it didn't develop overnight, so making changes will take time and determination too. . . 2 . Identify incidents in which you showed this behavior. It can be overwhelming if you start listing everything that you think could be wrong. Take three or four episodes when you realized you were passive aggressive. . . 3 . Record information about what happened. Look back and try to recall specific and related details. It can be helpful to view the circumstances as a third-party observer would, to be as objective as possible. If you start feeling emotional, take a deep breath and clear your thoughts before continuing. Don't deflect your own role in what happened. The purpose here is to examine the circumstances and motivations that bring out your passive aggressive actions. . Who were the other parties involved? What were their
relationships to you (for example: boss, coworker, friend, parent, roommate, teacher)? Did they have authority over you; were they your peers; did you have a decision-making role?
.
game, club. . . .
Where did it happen? For example, work, home, school, party, When did this occur? Sometimes the timing is a factor, such as
the beginning of a school year or during the busy holiday season.
How did the incident unfold? Was there a specific trigger or a
series of events involved? What was the sequence of actions and responses?
What happened in the end? Were the results what you set out to
achieve with your negative behavior? What were the reactions of others?
.
. 4 . Now examine what your passive aggressive reactions were during these incidents. Generally, this behavior[2] manifests as deliberate contradictions between what you say (passive) and what you actually do (aggressive): . offering public support but indirectly resisting, procrastinating or
undermining the successful completion of social and occupational tasks
.
to forget .
know why . . . . . ideas . . . . .
fortunate .
misfortune . . .
agreeing to do something and not following through or pretending giving someone the silent treatment but not letting the person pleasing people in public but demeaning them behind their backs lacking the assertiveness to express feelings and desires but
expecting others to know what they are
overlaying positive comments with pointed sarcasm or negative
body language
complaining of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others being sullen and argumentative without offering constructive blaming others for everything while avoiding responsibility unreasonably criticizing and scorning authority to your peers responding to unwelcome authority with covert, dishonest actions repressing emotions in fear of conflict, failure or disappointment expressing envy and resentment toward those apparently more voicing exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal alternating between hostile defiance and contrition predicting negative outcomes before even starting the work
. 5 . Look for a pattern and alter the behavior. In reviewing your past actions, did you see yourself repeating the way you responded to certain situations or people? Were the outcomes similar? Did other people react to you in the same way? Did you feel better or worse in the end? It may be helpful to review your behavior with respect to what educator Signe Whitson calls \"The Five Levels of Passive Aggressive Behavior\":[3] . . . . . . Level 1: temporary compliance Level 2: intentional inefficiency Level 3: letting a problem escalate Level 4: hidden but conscious revenge Level 5: self-deprecation . 6 . Accept you have these emotions. Denying what you truly are feeling is part of the problem with passive aggressive behavior. You don't want others to know that you are angry, hurt, or resentful so you act as if you aren't. Your feelings only intensify and become more irrational because you haven't provided yourself a healthier outlet for them. . . 7 . Build your self-awareness:This is where you need to be honest with yourself to understand the underlying reasons you have these negative feelings. Was it something your coworker said? Did you feel pressured into doing something you didn't want to do? Were you not recognized by your manager for your contribution to the last project? Did your friend get a better grade than you thought she deserved? Look below the surface and figure out what it is you want. . . 8 . Learn to be assertive and to express yourself honestly and respectfully. Once you understand what is bothering you, then you can start to speak up for yourself and say what you mean. Practice what you would say to find the right words without being in the heat of the moment. Hear how you're coming across. You can be forceful and direct without having to hurt the other person. Take the blame out of your words and communicate your feelings in a positive manner. Opening yourself up in this way may make you feel more vulnerable in the beginning but you'll gain confidence as you progress. . . 9 . Listen and observe. Communication is just as much about listening and reading unspoken messages as it is about speaking openly and directly. Consider what the other person is saying or not saying in response to your own actions. They could be as passive aggressive as you are. Look at things from a different perspective. Could you be over-reacting? Take a step back and review the situation again. . . 10 . Lose the sarcasm. Sarcasm is the ultimate passive aggressive weapon and will only worsen the situation further. These are some common passive aggressive phrases [4] to avoid: . .
\"Whatever\" \"I'm FINE\"
. . . Why are you so upset?\" I'm just kidding\" . 11 . Realize that conflicts are OK. Disagreements are not uncommon. Some of the confrontations you encounter may not be conflicts but rather misunderstandings. You usually are not in any danger if you can diffuse your anger and make your discussions constructive and positive. It's possible to agreeably disagree and be able to work out compromises that bring \"win-win\" results to both parties involved. In this way, you are taking control instead of allowing passive aggressive behavior to send issues out of control. . . 12 . Choose success. Avoid chasing a negative outcome; change your focus around to achieve a successful end. Some people like to admit failure early so they don't raise expectations, including their own. Try not to belittle your opportunities away. . . 13 . Take pride in your success. Even if you make slow but positive progress, you're still changing your behavior in the direction you want. Giving up your typical passive aggressive responses removes the safeguard behaviors you've put in place. So it's OK to feel a little unsure. Being able to communicate clearly what you are feeling will only help make you more effective and your relationships stronger. Tips
If your passive aggressive behavior feels too deeply rooted for you to handle on your own, you may want to seek the help and guidance of professional counselors for managed therapy.
Usually there are other issues that contribute to passive aggressiveness; among them are: the desire for perfection, and the fear of failure, success, or rejection. These also need to be addressed as part of understanding the underlying motivation behind your words or actions.
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